Sunday, 9 July 2017

How To Become An Emotional Lover To Your Partner.

Being an emotional lover to your partner is rooted in life experiences. Here's how it works, if deep down I feel inadequate and fear, I don't deserve love, then my instinct tell me that eventually you are going to find out about my realize that I'm not good enough and break my heart.

So I love you at a distance, I stay and disengaged. I refuse to give you much of my time because it won't hurt as much as when you tell me you're going to leave me. I know its coming, it always does. They've all done it. I wear my self protected armor and hold you at am arm's length. I have been flooded by rejection, sadness and feelings of being unworthy before, and it's not something I can handle after I get close in my core. I don't feel I deserve your love while half hearted love does offer safety. It will always sabotage the opportunity to create a deeply loving relationship. People who are emotionally unavailable are called avoidants because they do exactly what the word says, they avoid the intimacy and closeness, also they avoid their partners. But they do this for a reason. If I anticipate you rejecting me, then I'm going to remain less emotionally invested in you.

The feeling of unworthiness cultivate a feeling of insecurity. True security in a relationship requires interdependence. It's the ability to simultaneously depend on your partner while also being able to stand on your own feets. To take responsibility for your part of the relationship as they do for theirs, it's the ability to be open to their feelings and needs while working with your partner to get your needs met.

Here are the ways to become an emotional lover to your partner:

Make your partner's need and feelings equal to yours- Doing this requires developing empathy and compassion for your partner's feelings, needs and requests for closeness.

Make time for your partner- Place your partner at the top of your priority list in life. This can only be done by your actions not your words. Words might sound comforting to your partner but without actionable follow-through, they are requires you to be available and accessible to your partner most of the reassurance that you are there for them, they will turn their attention away from the relationship because you have given them the security that you are invested in the relationship.

Work on taking responsibility for your emotions-  Take control of your anger, stop acting in hurtful ways or saying things that cut to the core of your partner vulnerabilities. As an emotionally unavailable person you are an expert at finding someone's weakness and exploiting it so they give you the distance you want. Stop threating to leave the relationship if you don't get your way, and stop using anger and personal attacks to bully your partner into doing things your way, that's not a relationship. Even if you get your way, you are still avoiding a relationship that will change the deeply rooted beliefs you have about yourself.

Take a hard look at the beliefs you have about yourself in your relationship- Explore why it is that you don't feel worthy of a close loving relationship. Is there a way to challenge your belief that if your partner gets to truly know you, they will reject you? Is there a way both your partner and you can discover reasons why you are lovable and deserving of your partner's affection?

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